Until It's Gone
by WickedBunnyThatWasChosen
Summary: Buffy never learns to love.....until it's gone. BS set in S.6 or 7... rating pending.
1. Prologue

**Author's Notes: **Hey, ummm…well this is my second attempt at the prologue as I forgot to include A/N in the previous tries. I know. smacks self So I hope you guys have enjoyed these notes since it took me a while to get them up! LOL, thnx. Oh, and thanks to all my wonderful reviewers and I also want to thank my brand-spanking-new BETA...drum roll please Sianne Kristy. She's awesome, so thnx! So... ummmmm- enjoy! LOL :)

**Disclaimer**: If I owned him, do you really think I would be here writing fanfic?

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**Prologue**

"Spike, I need to talk to you." Buffy called as she slammed open the dilapidating door to the vampire's dark crypt.

"Well, good morning to you, too, luv." Spike said as he climbed out of his bed to pull on his usual black t-shirt. Buffy paused for a moment to stare at his bare chest before snapping out of it when Spike said, "My eyes are up here, Slayer," while pointing to them just to prove his point.

"I'm serious," she continued almost as if nothing had happened, only looking at his chest occasionally, " We- I - need to talk."

"Mphmprum, p blmj fk gsof jo ugj muo." Spike said, his response muffled by the shirt which was now around his head.

"What?" Buffy asked, losing her patience.

"I said, 'Actually, I need to talk to you too.' So you can go ahead and say 'We need to talk.'" the blond joked sitting down on what appeared to be a couch after finally having managed to get his shirt all the way on.

"Oh!" Buffy exclaimed, not even bothering to hide her surprise, "Well, then 'We -"

"Actually, can I go first?" Spike interrupted, his usually joking tone replaced by the voice that'd always managed to get Buffy nervous.

'Why are you nervous?' , she thought, nodding absently, 'You're the one breaking up with him!"

"You might wanna sit down, pet." Spike whispered softly, refusing to look her in the eyes.

'This is bad.' flashed briefly in Buffy's mind as she sat down beside the vampire.

"Well?" Buffy asked. She prepared herself for- well, she really didn't know what, but she could tell she wouldn't like it. Spike still didn't respond, just kept staring at his black fingernails.

'Go ahead, you bloody coward!'

"Do you love me?" Spike muttered, still intently staring at a chip in his manicure.

"What!" Buffy managed. "What gives you the right to ask me that? What? I mean sure there- "

"I think I've got the right to ask you whatever I bloody well want since I've put up with your self righteous act for so long. That and, hmm? Maybe it could be the fact that we've been making love on and off for the past couple of weeks!" the peroxide prone vampire interrupted. "I mean, what's a bloke to think? Bird he likes acts like she likes him. I mean I just figured…"

Unfortunately Spike didn't notice that Buffy had jumped up and stopped her own ramblings and was now staring at him with an incredulous look plastered on her face.

"Making love?" Buffy asked, interrupting Spike, "Is that what you think we've been doing?"

"Well, yeah." Spike mumbled, almost sheepishly.

"Well, I'm sorry Spike, but we've never 'made love'. We've- how do the Brits put it? Oh, yeah. We've shagged." she told him, laughing at her use of his own phrase. "Sorry to burst your bubble, Fang Boy, but you kinda need love, to make love."

"Which I take to mean that you don't love me." Spike said, growing angry, sad, and more and more impatient.

"Does the word 'Duh' mean anything to you?" Buffy said cruelly while smiling at the vampire with contempt.

"Well, you've probably heard it more times then I have, Slayer, but either way I still have one more question to ask you." he told a now very stunned and angry Slayer.

"I am SO going to kick your a-" Buffy started only to be interrupted by Spike who was thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Ah, ah, ah. Ladies don't use such foul language! Oh, well. Guess it would matter more if you had any shred of manners in you." the blond 'man' said speaking with a much more sophisticated, yet equally deadly voice. "Where was I? Ah, yes. One…last…question."

Buffy could only watch as he moved closer with each word. As he finished speaking she finally realized that they were very close, too close. Still, she didn't move and decided to pretend that they weren't only a few inches apart.

"Ask your stupid question and get on with it, Spike!" Buffy said, more quietly and with a much more breathless and husky tone than she'd meant to use.

"Patience is a virtue, Slayer." he said taking a step backwards leaving a gap where his body had just been.

Buffy hissed inwardly at the loss of his, almost, touch. Fighting the urge to punch the blond vampire in the nose Buffy decided to try again.

"5...4...3...2..."

Spike chuckled. "Idle threats? I'm shakin' Slayer, really, I am."

Spike opened his mouth to continue mocking the petite blond woman in front of him, but decided against it. Instead, he let out a sigh and sat back down on the couch. Suddenly Spike felt very old, which he was, but he'd never felt so…. so helpless, or hopeless.

"Spike? You're scaring me." Buffy said cautiously as she walked over to sit down next to Spike.

"You couldn't possibly be any more scared than I am, pet." he told her. He knew he sounded defeated, as if all the life had gone out of him. When that thought occurred to him he almost laughed. 'What life?'

"Spike? What happened?" Buffy asked when she realized that the vampire wasn't going to start talking anytime soon.

Spike did laugh that time, but it wasn't his usual laugh, it was a very unSpike laugh. It was distant. It sounded as if it was coming from some dead, cold thing, which it was, but it'd never sounded like that before...When was the last time she heard him laugh, really laugh? Not since before…. Oh. Is this what his laughter became since she happened? Before Buffy had a chance to think about that disturbing fact Spike decided there was no time like the present.

"You." he replied simply, although from the look his answer got he was sure Buffy had forgotten the question already.

"What?" Buffy said softly.

"Cor, Slayer, you don't get it, do you?" he asked laughing bitterly, "You happened. You, you, you! It's always been you! You've destroyed me Buffy."

"Why are you saying this?" Buffy asked, tears shining in her eyes.

"Why do you care?" Spike replied harshly, "You destroyed me, Slayer. And because of being how you are you've saving me, so- thank you, but please sod off."

"What!" Buffy yelled, all traces of tears gone.

She stood there looking at Spike as if he'd grown another head. Finally Spike sighed and thought 'Why me?' before standing and walking to the boor of his crypt. And as he was opening the door he thought- 'Oh, yeah. That's right.'

"Sod. Off." he repeated pointing to the open door.

"Fine," Buffy said as she stood up. "But weren't you going to ask me another question?"

"Doesn't matter," Spike assured her, "I know what you would've said anyway. You're too predictable."

"Am not," Buffy argued, "Besides, you can't be 100 sure of what I would've said."

"It's easier this way, Slayer. Please. Don't push me." he pleaded, hoping-praying that she'd drop it.

"Spike. Ask me!" she demanded.

Spike growled and slammed the door which made Buffy jump. He'd had enough of this Slayer. He told her to drop it, but did she? No. Then this is all on her hands. Why couldn't she just let it be? Spike wondered as tears formed in his eyes, 'Because she's Buffy, and that's why you love her.' he thought. 'Well, can't argue with myself, can I?'

"Spike…"

"No!"

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A/N: I hoped you guys enjoyed this, as as mentioned above, it was a travail to be sure! I also wanted to say that should anyone of you want to add this to your alerts (please? -pouts-) I would kinda like to send them myself as a more personal note, so if you want me to just leave me a review w/ your email, I will personally email you as soon as my lazy butt uploads a new chapter! I love you guys….you rock! 


	2. Why Ask: Part 1: Anything?

A/N: Um…well what can I say? I love Spike, Buffy's being a big meany, and I'm all bad moody. Never mind. Um, o.k so in this chapter I just wanted to push the storyline a little bit and maybe dumb myself down by staring blankly at a screen for days on end to write…341 words. What! That's all? I suck. Oh, well…read my story anyway!

Disclaimer: Yes, in fact I do own the entire cast of BtVS (except Riley- him I refused), and yes, I do keep Spike in a drawer by my bed. Are you happy now? You've now reminded me of all I lack in life -pouts-. Go away, now. –mumbles under breath…something about stupid Whendon-

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**Chapter One, Part One**

**Why Ask Anything?**

"Spike…_Ask me_." Buffy demanded, a look of determination set on her face.

Spike sighed, all hope of-well, hope- gone. "Why couldn't you just leave? I don't want things to happen like this! I'd hoped that I would know- and I do!" he said to no one really except himself.

When Spike finally looked at Buffy she gasped. His eyes seemed to convey such pain, longing, love, but underneath it all sadness and loneliness. All those emotions and yet his eyes seemed so distant, so cold…. and dead. They lacked the mysterious sparkle which they so often reflected. Where Spike's eyes had always been a brilliant shade of ice blue, they now resembled a darker, more faded blue. Overall, he looked hopeless.

"Never mind." Buffy quickly repented, "I don't want to know. Really, I don't.

Spike could tell that she was terrified, of what- he didn't know. But then again, she did ask….

"What is it with you Summers women?" Spike started, realizing his error only after it had left his mouth.

"Women? As in plural?"

'Uh, oh' Spike thought. He could tell by Buffy's posture- an imitation of her mom's famous hand on hips stance- that he was in a bad way.

"Hmm?" Spike said feigning ignorance "What? No, I said 'you Summers woman!' 'Cause I know it's your Summers blood that makes you behave this way… saw it in your mum, I did."

"Spike…" Buffy was not fooled by his schoolboy attempt at innocence, though he does look really cute when he pouts… Bad Buffy! No thoughts of the mean, evil, soulless, vampire!

But, Spike had seen when she'd gotten distracted and decided to change his tactics. "Still, if you wanted to… it may not be someone of your blood, but there could definitely be plural women…."

"What? Ewww! No, not women…. Ewww!"

Spike tried his best to look disappointed and just sighed and sat back down on the sofa. Buffy, having forgotten why she had come in the first place, decided she might as well make her visit useful.

..continued..

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Feedback. A vital part of my cognitive process.


	3. Why Ask: Part 2: Why?

A/N: Oh my. I hardly ever update. God. I give you permission to stone me. Yup. Enjoy!

Feedback is craved like chocolate!covered!Spike. yumyum.

Disclaimer: See previous.

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Chapter 1: Part 2

**Why Ask Why?**

As Buffy turned to approach him Spike hopped off the sofa and jaunted to the door.

"You know what?" he asked jovially. "I want you to leave."

"Wh-I'm sorry?! Are you…? You're kicking me out!"

"Uh…_yeah_." Spike chuckled, "'s kinda the point of showing someone the door."

Buffy narrowed her hazel eyes and started towards Spike again, right hand aching to punch something.

"Ow! Bloody hell, woman!" 'Something' apparently translating to 'Spike' in Buffyland.

"Fine. I'll leave," she began.

"Great! Well, see here's the door. Don't let it hit you on the ass. Or, better yet, do. Then I'll have an excuse to burn it," the vampire responded cheekily.

Buffy smiled evily- "Of course, dear. I'll leave. IF you ask me the question."

"Hmmm?" Spike asked innocently, "what question?"

"You know which one." Buffy prodded. "Or is the Big Bad afraid?"

_Don't do it. Don't… Don't._

"Not gonna work." Spike sang, opening the crypt door.

"Then no deal." The slayer exclaimed happily.

Don't…Don't… Don't…Don't… Don't…Don't… Don't…Don't… Don't…Don't… 

Despite his melodious inner monologue's warning, Spike sighed and, almost hesitantly, closed the crypt door.

"Why?" he croaked.

Buffy took in his softly blinking eyes, which steadily covered and uncovered shining blue, his childlike mannerisms as he rubbed his knuckle against the corner of his eye as if warding off sleep,_ 'or tears'_, and lastly- she saw how, despite the minute trembling, his mouth was pressed into a firm line and his jaw was tense.

"I…"

"No!" the vampire growled, "DON'T. Just don't. I don't want your pity, or your denial. I know now that you don't love me. I love you SO much more than you could ever know, but you don't feel the same. I understand now." He paused. '_Stop now,_' his heart pleaded. A grimace overtook his visage disguised as a wry smile and accompanied by a broken laugh.

"You can't explain that to me. I see now. I just thought that maybe some part of you was worth my love. I…I don't think you're the woman I fell in love with anymore. So," Spike let out a soft exhalation of air as one corner of his mouth turned up in deprecation. "I'm leaving. I'll be by later to… say good-bye to everyone, but I think it's best if I just say good-bye to you now. I hope it isn't too much to ask, but I'd rather not see you after this. I can't take it anymore Buffy."

Finally Spike looked into Buffy's eyes. She knew that there would be tears and fighting emotions, but she was too shaken to care. His hand came up to caress her golden locks and he pressed his forehead to hers. Her lips opened and closed upon unspoken declarations of regret and pleads for him to stay. When she finally managed to push past the lump in her throat, however, the vampire retreated. Spike withheld all but a kiss to the cheek and a whispered, "Good-bye, Slayer."

Trembling, Spike made his way towards the lower level of what had become his home, away from his Slayer, his Buffy. As a tear glided down his face, the blonde caught a breathy sigh that sounded almost like- "Why?" Letting the tears absolve his pain, he gave his grief free reign of his mind, but not before replying.

"_I asked you first."_

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_Reviews are better than Spike flavored lips. (hint, hint)_


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